On the Death Be

On The Death Bed

By Dr. Tilak S. Fernando

It’s just over two weeks since Anil became ill. None of the drugs prescribed by his General Practitioner seemed to have any or little effect on his disease.  He became rather confused, frustrated, and worried, as he just could not understand the present predicament. Furthermore, Dr. Silva’s remarks during his last home visit made his thoughts drift in all directions. However much he tried to brush those thoughts aside, one particular sentence kept on boomeranging to add more torture to his mind and soul.

“Now you be careful my son, what you experienced was a silent mild heart attack. Any relapse could lead to thrombosis. My advice to you is to take enough bed rest for about a month or so and to take things easy”.
This particular sentence kept on bugging him from time to time, like glowing ambers in a pile of ash. During such moments, Anil could feel as if some kind of a lump was coming up from nowhere and blocking his heart. Overcome by fear and pain he tried to turn to a side and sleep.

“These are old folks diseases, no, madam.“ It’s strange how even young people become victims of such diseases”. Anil could hear the old lady domestic whispering to his mother.

There is certainly an element of truth in what she had to say to my mother, thought Anil.  Being a young fellow, who had not even reached twenty-five years of age, to suffer from a silent heart attack, was a real mystery to him.

There could have been many reasons behind all these, which triggered a heart condition. Then, who is responsible for it? He tried to conceal such thoughts in his own mind, because even a small mental attempt in that direction would certainly not help him in his present medical condition.   

After being confined to bed, for three weeks at home, Anil was finally admitted to a hospital due to other complications such as ‘swollen lungs and breathlessness”. If there was anything that Anil detested more than the illness itself had to be the never-ending line of visitors, who dropped in to see him at all odd hours, despite the hospital putting up notices clearly displaying ‘visiting hours’ and ringing  ‘time-up’ bells.

It’s absolutely true that people visit patients in hospitals most of the time out of sincere feelings and caring.  A few, however, does it out of social or official obligations, but the constant pouring in at all odd hours made Anil uncomfortable as he had to explain and answer numerous questions repeatedly in parrot fashion.  Yet, how could he open his mouth and tell them that …… Therefore, most of the time, Anil closed his eyes and pretended to be ill to avoid such visitors.

Anil never expected Dharma to appear at his bedside in hospital. The very moment Anil set eyes on her, he quickly turned to a side on the bed, perhaps due to an automatic reflex action. Certainly he had not pre-meditated to ignore her.

“Why are you turning away the moment you saw me coming”? She was quick to question him.    

Anil became dumb founded, closed his eyes tight.  Meanwhile he could feel a rather melancholy texture in Dharma’s voice.

“I came all the way, having heard that you were in hospital, not to play games with you Anil, but to see you as  you are sick and hospitalized”. 

He could not keep quiet any longer, but to respond.

“Dharma, are you crazy to stand here and cry?”

“So what harm in crying?  If we are innocent, we don’t owe a thing to one another!  Why should we be worried or frightened of any one”? She remarked.

“That’s exactly the kind of attitude, which pushed me into this situation”.

“What…! Are you now trying to tell me Anil that I am the cause behind your illness?”

“You are also partly to be blamed, Dharma’.

“I am sorry Anil, you have completely misunderstood me. Please withdraw that remark at once. You know fully well that at every count, I was with you and supported you sincerely.  To my knowledge Anil, I have always been with you on your side all of the time.  I have not caused a pin head of a thing against you to make you a sick person. May be one day the truth will prevail, and you will realize that I am innocent. I can’t bear to hear such nonsense any more Anil, I am leaving, I am leaving.” Having said such painful words, Dharma left the hospital crying.

What was the reason Anil had to accuse and blame her the way he did from a hospital bed, and the way he reacted to her in her presence, became a puzzle to both of them.  From day one, Anil associated her as a good friend.  He simply could not find even an atom of immorality. Then why did he behave in such a shameless manner, especially after she made an effort to travel all the way to the hospital to see him as a patient?  Why could not Anil face her? Why did he have to drag her into his present pathetic plight and blame her, even partly? The thought process that followed was adequate to make even a perfectly healthy person to suffer a heart attack.

All through that night, Anil could not get a wink of sleep trying to figure out his own behavior in front of Dharma. Actually, at times, he wondered whether there was any mysterious force, such as voodoo, reacting between the two! Suddenly, his thoughts went back to the first meeting with her in the company of her friendly family members, and how gradually he became a family friend to make frequent visits at every moment he was free, especially during Sunday afternoons.  

As much as Anil tried to put the past into the backyard of his memory bank, it began to work in the reverse order, and could not get a wink of sleep.  Being a heart patient, Dr. Silva continued to advise him not to worry unnecessarily.  But, what could he have done if providence or karma or whatever, pushed him to suffer physically and mentally, as a means of retribution to what he had knowingly or unknowingly committed in the past!

            After Dharma’s visit his condition took a turn towards rapid deterioration.  At times, Anil could blame her irrationally for visiting him in hospital, but what could she have done?  He began to reason out. ‘She had been a true and genuine friend; otherwise there was no need for her to waste time on a long journey, by bus on my account? It’s me who has to take the blame for being nasty to her.  Worrying is not going to help me to recover soon’ he thought’. Soon it became crystal clear to him that whatever said and done, he was getting dragged into the last days of his life, and had to face a battle between life and death after Dharma’s visit.

On a daily basis his health began to degenerate. The process of breathing became acute; every inhalation became a struggle, and Anil could feel as if his chest was behaving like a vice when his heart muscles started to work like rusty cogwheels trying to turn with greatest difficulty. From that moment onwards, he decided to abandon every worldly attachment, and prepare for one everlasting ‘swim in the ocean of Samsara’.  In that frame of mind, even with much difficulty, he took a pen and paper, to write his thoughts to Dharma before he would exhale his last breath.

“My dear Dharma,

“At a time death is waving his hand to me from a close range, I am making this desperate attempt to pen a few lines to let you know some facts, perhaps you did not know. My life could end at any moment, from now onwards, may be even before you start reading this note!

Dharma, you are not aware of the amount of agony and anguish I am going through within me. It’s only after you left the hospital, the messenger of death approached me. But don’t worry about it, and I am not placing the blame on you.

I can vividly recollect now, how all of us (with your family members) enjoyed those memorable days in the past. A jolly and fun loving family for company, indeed. I thoroughly enjoyed such an association. I cannot forget how your family accepted and treated me like one of you. Every time I visited your home to spend the day, it was full of fun and entertainment, including playing badminton and carom. That may be the reason why at times my visits became too frequent to your place whenever I was free. It was all done without any malice, or with a hidden agenda up in my sleeve Dharma, ,please believe me.

But……… You may not have been aware of the attitudes of the people in your neighbourhood, who made nothing else, but to snooping into other peoples’ lives being inquisitive.  Silly empty heads! It’s a damn pity Dharma that part of the society where we live in, has stooped to such low levels, surpassing even animal behaviour!  Do you realise Dharma that today some of the people in our society, have become so mean and their thinking has become warped to such an extent that even a brother and a sister cannot walk together on a street before these nincompoops jump into their own vulgar conclusions and start gossiping.  In such a situation, can you just imagine Dharma, when I often visited your home and spent my leisure time with your family together, what kind of tittle-tattle could have generated, especially when a pretty young girl like you lived there?

I bet Dharma, not a single gossiper would have cared to think by such slanderous and baseless gossip, the amount of damage that has caused to a valuable life of an innocent young man! They simply do not understand Dharma, the amount of agony and the suffering I am going through as a direct result of such malicious propaganda. After all Dharma, I have to protect the dignity of my family, as much as yours, besides leaving you and me alone in this drama.

I hope you will forgive me and try to understand my irrational behaviour at the hospital, as these things were haunting me, Dharma. Can you just imagine, if one of your neighbours were to visit me while you were crying at my bedside what else would have generated in the form of gossip? I tried my best to put those to a side, and tried my best not to be unaffected by such social scandal, because only you and I knew the platonic friendship we developed and shared with the full blessing of your family, Dharma. I can recollect your remarks at the hospital when you said:  

“We don’t have to fear anyone when we don’t owe anything to anyone”.

Absolutely true Dharma.  If we had an iota of guilt, as people gossiped just by wearing tinted glasses, we certainly could have continued the way we did?  But what I could not fathom was what happened to an intelligent and educated man like your father to fall prey into those empty heads of the  neighbourhood, and behave  in a most  ill-advised  and despicable manner, Dharma.

The ‘devil dance’ your father performed  on the last day of my presence, and started beating you up like a crazy maniac  at your home really  put me off  completely Dharma. Even at this moment when I think of it, I get so annoyed and something happens to my chest inside. Had he behaved like a strong masculine man, displaying his maturity and broad-mindedness, today we do not have to face this kind of melancholy music Dharma? Pardon me Dharma, but, he is your father and what he did was something stupid, which not even an uncouth man on the road would have done.

That moment made a hallmark in my life Dharma. I can’t understand how, within a split moment of that incident, I lost complete faith and trust I had developed towards your family. I just could not understand the transformation that took place in a split second!  I am sorry to say that even now, when I think of it, I can’t help despising your father Dharma.

But, I feel sad about one thing Dharma. My death is a simple puzzled equation for me now, and I can handle it. But I can’t just imagine what you will have to go through the way the gossipers might react after my death. I intended to avoid you only because to put a stop to such blabbermouth Dharma, and not for anything else.

It was not out of any hate against you personally, but purely as a genuine and caring friend in your life, Dharma.   Only now I get the courage and strength to mentally put an end to such prattle to teach those idiots a good lesson, Dharma, but what can  I do, it’s too late, and it’s my own folly that I had to wait until I fell into this state of health.

Even if I recover from this state where I am in now, I don’t think Dharma I will be able to step into your house again, because it was such a pity that such an intelligent and a broad-minded man like your father will no doubt join hands with those nincompoops in your neighbourhood to dig my burial pit in the cemetery.

Oh! Dharma, my dearest friend, this is my last……….. Oh! .  My chest…My chest…chest…chest…Dharma my dearest  …………………………..

tilakfernando@gmail.com

Sri Express - 2013